The Pit

The Pit Metaphore...(see Adelene's blog for the discussion).http://angelshelper81.livejournal.com/

the thing on my mind right now... that keeps coming up...is allowing thoughts to surface and then move on. In talking over the past few months with Gaya, Fael, Adelene, Pema and now Pila...I have seen that it would be useful to do this..and that it is a large part of meditation.

Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be in my skill set. What is in my skill set is eliding thoughts, supressing thoughts, beating back thoughts with a stick (or pillow) if necessary. As I said to Adelene...I started early and kept adding skills to my repetoire.

Which leads to the following: Depression, anxiety, innattention to my own pain and discomfort, fugue states and difficulty sitting still..not "doing" something. All of which make it hard to care for one's self properly. Which can piss one off at one's self...which can lead to Depression, anxiety...oof.

This is Not Good. or at least...not working.

So..today I am moving my mind toward practicing this each day. Somehow, some where, practicing allowing of my thoughts instead of stuffing.

Thank you to the friend who spoke of allowing the other day, and who is bravely allowing what seem to me difficult thoughts, and questions to arise. I hope I will be that brave.

More about change

1) Adelene mentioned something that rings true...Brain bits will stop torturing you when they are assured that they are heard (how I remember it, not necessarily what she said or meant).

2) I've done alot of changing since February. (I'm terribly grateful for it) The most important things are that while I still am not sleeping 8 hours a night..I'm not waking up anxious. I feel much more at home with myself, less itchy in my "self" and in my body. I'm much more willing to allow than to overthink a problem. I'm not better at anything, I don't think...but I'm happier to be flawed than I was.

3)I think that the 9 seconds have helped..in the little bits I've done them..but more than that it's been the attitudes and ideas I've taken onboard that have been helpful. Poor Sweetie has been trying and trying for years to teach me things I couldn't hear...and this crowd has been able to explain.

Start where you are

http://mantic-angel.livejournal.com/127217.html A wonderful treatise on loving one's self.

 I was talking to a new friend at PaB yesterday, about love...what it is?  He said...I rejoice in the success of those I love and sympathize when they are sad.  I'm not jealous, don't think...they deserve what they got. 

So I started thinking...what does it mean to love myself?  or to not love myself?
Do I rejoice when I succeed? or do I poo poo the success, calling it luck? Do I sympathize with my sadness or decide that I should have done something differently, I got what I deserved?

Yesterday..I was sad  and I started to get mad at myself for it then I thought...wait, I'm going to try something new.  So I told myself..it's ok to be sad, like I was talking to a friend.

Okay.

Thinking about overload and spaces made. I know for those who have always meditated that the idea of space between is just normal. For me, it's not something I have considered.

I think, though, at times in my life I made space in my own ways.

Later I started filling space with anything I could find, fearing it.

Here, now, I am interested and willing to make a little space again: have done, actually. Just a little.

It IS frightening, though, that space. I know that what I have feared is the noises that try to crowd in where space is. I know that I'm still scared of those noises: anxiety, depression, fear, anger, embarrassment, painful memories, anticipations. I have been good at filling with sand where those things might crop up, but they have become insistent again.

So, with the patient (and sometimes impatient) tutoring of my SL and RL mentors..I am opening little spaces, and watching those things (mostly) rise and fall away instead of hitting a wall where they batter at me. It IS working better.


Still...there is alot of fear, alot of resistance. I am glad to remember that there is no hurry, that I have time, that there is no deadline.

more little shiny things

I bought a pair of boots, and wear them almost all the time, they came from a store called Shiny Things.

I am ecstatic and sad at the same time.

My life in SL has grown rich and richer, my life in rl has always been a little richer than I can stand.

I wake up at four in the morning, panicked for no reason several times a week.

Change Is hard, Change is...

I don't know if it is the right thing to do.

"I don't know if it is the right thing to do." Eye listens.
Corvi dances and sings and thinks: "I don't know if it is the right thing to do..."Crow looks at the paper this is written on and starts to peck at it...r is gone. i is eaten. g is pecked. h disappears. t is punched. Crow tilts her head and looks at this paper again. "I don't know if it is the 00000 thing to do." Satisfied, her head bobs bobs. She preens, nibbles at a feather, pulls it up and locks each barb. She smooths it back down. Her head whips back and she peers again at the paper. "I don't know....do."
Corvi stops dancing and sits. "I do some things when it is the thing to do, and choose not to do that thing when it is not the thing to do."
Eye think...that there are different questions to ask: What are the behaviors that I want to change? When are these behaviors the thing to do, and when are they not the thing to do?

More on originality

Weird, strange, different, twisted, masked, lonely, raw...you are just right. Perfect. Loved.

I know I love you...each of you. And that I have picked you because I feel the same fears and aches. It is hard to believe that each of you, each perfect you, could love me as I love you. Yet, when I think on it, I know it is true. That you love the things in me that I see as ugly and alienating in me and beautiful and alluring in you.